Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category

Three nuns passed every day through a street that led from church to the reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house.

Every time they passed in front of that house, the parrot would pronounce three sequential colors. One day they heard “yellow, blue, black.” One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the color of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.

The next day they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house. Precisely the parrot spoke “black, black, black.” Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished! One of the nuns suggested: “Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird.”

Saying that, she recommended that the next day they would not wear underwear under their vestments. Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear and proceeded to pass in front of the Parrot’s house. They peeked at the bird. At the beginning, it looked a bit puzzled, swung back and forth on the cane on which he rested……after a while the Parrot spoke, “Straight, Straight, Curly!”

HUMOUR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

A calendar’s days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny, Pat?” “I just saw one of your garters!”

“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days!”

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny, Billy?”

“I just saw both of your garters!”

Again, she yells, “Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don’t want to see you for three weeks!”

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

“Where do you think you’re going?” she asks.

“From what I just saw, my school days are over!”

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

“You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!”

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

“How do you know this, Sister?”

“My Mother Superior told me so.”

“But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?”

“Don’t be ridiculous–of course I have never taken alcohol myself”

“Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life”

“How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!”

“I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know.”

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

“Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks”, then he lowers his voice and says to the barman “and could you put the vodka in a teacup?”

“Oh no! It’s not that Nun again is it?”

A man is looking in the classified ads for a job. He notices an advertisement for a toothbrush salesman and figured that couldn’t such a bad job. So, he calls in, he goes in and they hire him. The next day, he heads out to a neighborhood to make some sales. Five hours later he comes home and says, “Man, I only sold one toothbrush. That’s not enough”

So the next day he goes to a richer neighborhood, thinking maybe those people would buy more toothbrushes. He ends up selling two toothbrushes. So he goes to his boss for advice and his boss says, “Look, you’re a great guy and all, but you gotta come up with a gimmick or something.”

So, the salesman thinks about it and, later that night, he finally comes up with one.

So the next day, he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign that says “Free chips and dip” A guy walks over and puts the chip in the dip and says, “This tastes like shit.”

And the salesman replied, “Yeah, it is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?”

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked “What are you doing with that dog?”

One of the boys replied, “This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we’ve decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog.”

Of course, the Reverend was taken aback. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?” and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.”

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the Reverend was beginning to think he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, “All right, give him the dog.”

15. I will not eat other animals’ poop.

14. I will not lick my human’s face after eating animal poop.

13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.

12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.

9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.

8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

7. Hamster: Don’t let them figure out I’m just a rat on steroids, or they’ll flush me!

6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.

5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.

3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

AND the Number 1 New Year’s Resolutions Made by Pets…

1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT’S HAND

An obviously upset woman visits her pastor. She pleads, “Father, Father, my children just will not stop cursing. I’ve done everything I know to stop them. You’re my last hope, what can I do?”

The Father said “Well, have you considered smacking the boys?”

The mother, wide-eyed, replied, “Oh no Father, I thought the Church would frown upon that!”

The Father responded, “In severe cases, we do allow it. The next time your sons curse, why don’t you try it?”

The mother said “O.K. Father, If the Lord permits it.”

The next morning little Johnny and little Jimmy come down to breakfast and the mother asks, “Little Johnny, what would you like for breakfast this morning?”

Little Johnny says, “I don’t know. Give me some fucking waffles.” Well with that, the mother smacked little Johnny across the face and he slid down the wall to the floor. Little Jimmy, the younger of the boys, watched in horror.

The mother turned and asked ,”Little Jimmy, what would you like for breakfast this morning?”

Little Jimmy looks at his brother on the floor, looks back at his mother, and replies, “I don’t know but you can bet your sweet ass I don’t want no fucking waffles.”

WARNING: IT IS HIGHLY RECOMMENDED THAT YOU PUT DOWN THE BEER CAN AND THE SHOTGUN BEFORE READING ANY FURTHER

Ya might be a redneck addicted to the world of computers if…

If yer computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8’s and cinderblocks.

Ya think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestlin’ organization.

Someone tells ya they’re “locked up” and ya ask if they need bail money.

Ya’ve ever been too drunk to chat.

Yer screen saver is a confederate flag and plays dixie.

Ya think a harddrive is a trip to Uncle Bubba’s.

Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.

Ya think a surge supressor is a pill for diarrhea.

Ya keep trying to figure out why yer scanner won’t pick up police radio calls.

Ya think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds.

Ya have to ask someone how to spell LOL.

Yer stomach overlaps half of yer keyboard.

Ya try to figure out how to get yer empty beer cans into the recyclin’ bin.

Ya try to turn on yer computer with the remote.

Ya try to figure out how yer floppy disk got hard.

Ya play frisbee with yer CD Rom’s

Ya find yerself on the floor looking into yer “A Drive” yelling ‘Give it back! Give it Back’.

When birds fly across yer screen an ya reach for yer shotgun.

Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk

Yer yards full of ol’ computers stacked on cinder blocks.

Ya use yer CD-ROM drive as a beer holder.

Ya call tech support an ask where ta buy stamps fer yer e-mail.

When ya tern yer computer on ya say “Come OOOOOOON Betsy”.

Ya think system wizard is a dude in a funny hat.

Ya think 64 M RAM is a nu big block engine fer yer pickup.

Ya think ICQ is how smert yer computer is.

Someone tellz ya yer computer has a bug an ya reach for the can of Raid.

Ya think a mouse pad iz where Mighty Mouse and his cousins hang.

Ya go buy a surfboard to surf the net.

Ya think yer homepage is where ya really live.

Ya give Derections to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn.

Ya Think MB stands for “More Beer”.

Ya wait fer the bluelight special at K-Mart ta buy yer puter.

Ya see the word Download, and take the shells out of yer shotgun.

Ya think the person that made yer keyboard was dumb cuz the letters aint in order.

Ya think pushing the delete key will make yer ol’ lady disappear.

Ya think CD stands for Cow Dung.

Ya think IBM stands for “Idn’t Betsy Marvelous”

Ya think GIF stands fer “Goodie It’s Free”

Ya Think Mirabilis is a new brand of smokes.

Ya see the “shift” key and try ta figure out how ta change gears.

Ya put a quilt over yer screen when a make whoopee to yer ol’ lady.

Ya wonder why yer screen saver ain’t wearing a cape like that there superhero on the cartoons.

Ya think screen saver is a new flavor o’ candy.

Ya think Geocities is a place ta buy lil cars.

Ya catch yerself tryin’ to smell the lil flower on yer ICQ contact list.

Ya think the “A drive” is where ya park yer pickup.

Ya see the werd “Zip” and know why youz feelin’ a draft.

Yer puter has a bumper sticker on it.

Part of yer puter is held together with duct tape.

Ya sees the word “Refresh” and reach into the cooler fer another beer.

You’s in a chat room and someone asks where yer from and you reply “My momma”

You sees the word “Website” and start looking for spiders.